I Never Chose That Path
"You may not have the stage, but you still have a voice. You may not have the strength, but if you have a choice, I dare you to love. Even if you're hurt and you can only see the worst. Even if you think it's not enough. I dare you to love." (Kelly Clarkson)
First think first, I never chose to be born. Then, I never chose to be born from my parents, from those specific human couple, from that exact family. Second, I never chose to be given up by my parents and; handed over and raised by strangers. Third, I never chose to be hated by my kindergarten teacher just because I was a curious child. Fourth, I never chose to be bullied and abused on the corner of the classroom and football field by the entire classmates. Fifth, I never chose to hide my abandoned self under a table or inside a dusty cupboard in a dark library that looked-like a warehouse in my primary school each and every break time with my growling starving stomach because for 12 years at school I never knew what pocket money was, what lunch box was, what snack was, what toy was. Sixth, I never chose to be sexually assaulted and raped by the neighbor of the strangers who raised me when I was just in third grade of elementary school for three years in a row (as an observant child, I recognized many more unwanted and nonconsensual touches that happened since I was a toddler.) Seventh, I never chose to be assaulted and raped again when I learned to fall in love for first time in a bit late age when I was between 25–26 years old. There are many more things that I never chose, but with my trembling fingers, I would say the last and the worst: I never chose to be recruited, radicalized, brainwashed, and indoctrinated in the name of certain religion, in the name of god claimed by certain interest group. And for the very last incorrect choice I trapped into; I had to lose my golden ages and haunted by the monster of my past until now. I forced myself to learn this and that in order to enabling myself in changing the world, eradicating those people and their stupid hatreds.
No, the last sentence in the first paragraph proved nothing after these years. I might finally have been able to leave, to withdraw myself from that dark stingy circle before I lost my entire golden ages back in 2009, before I finished the second grade of high school. Now I almost close my 20s, but this time I want to do it gently and peacefully, not forcefully. It's called healing. And like the seeds I grow into plants, it takes time slowly and surely. I call it healing. I have no target or goal to reach the final destination. The means and ends are intertwined. I call it healing and I have no regret to choose this path now.
I am enough to learn and understand my girlhood, transformation between girlhood to womanhood, and womanhood in the darkness, shameness, and loneliness. I am enough that my sex and gender (she/her) seen as their honor (put on my vagina, hair, body and everything they forced me to cover). I am enough that my sex and gender (she/her) seen as their possession. I am enough that my sex and gender (she/her) seen as their object.
They never taught me to take care of my first painful period, my first confusing menstruation blood when I was just 13. They never educated me to protect and defend myself when both men and women touched and even torn apart my body and my vagina without my consent. They never asked me if I wanted to be circumcised and pierced. They never asked me if I wanted to wear the costume and clothing they chose for me. They never asked me if I was okay to cover up each and every inch of my body with the threat of hell and lure of heaven. They never sat with me and discussed about my creator, instead, they claimed they knew it all and forced me to worship the creator they believed. They never sat with me and apologized whenever they hurt my feeling and abused my body. They never treated me as a child. They never let me be a child. Now I am adult, I thought they would treat me fair and square. I am wrong. They never humanize me simply because they never humanize themselves. I have enough. And I choose to step back and heal myself and live my life now and take back what they have stolen and destroyed: my identity, myself.
I never chose to be me, but I know she (herself) never gave up and never gives up on me (myself). We are two in one: myself and her (my best friend). I know I choose her and I never have a regret even a tiny nano second of my breath.
At the end, I would say…
"We are all broken. That's how the light gets in." (Ernest Hemingway)
